A THREE-FOLD FILTER

In my most existentialist beliefs, I learned to view my “self” (egoistic construct as coping mechanism?) in three relationships.

  1. my relationship to myself

  2. my relationship to others

  3. my relationship to God or divine source

All of this I had pondered as a teenager, who, having massive insecurities, questioned my consciousness and the illusion of existence.  Mahayana Buddhist philosophy seemed a way toward the inner peace of knowing I didn’t exist and nothing was real.  My job seemed about learning and practicing the eight-fold path, in the NOW.  Much of this awareness seemed to come from psychedelic experiences.  In short, the best trips involved the knowing and feeling of connectedness to the fundamental forces which unify the seeming ALL.  Later, in discovering the Eight circuits of consciousness in Leary’s model, it seemed I had bounced between the seventh and eighth circuits in the perceptions of in and out of body experiences, missing a much of the sixth circuit (metaprogramming).

The main divine connection felt like the motherlode of all, the feeling of complete connectedness which started physically and eventually got perceived as “pure” consciousness.  This perception and how it feels remains tangible and at once unfathomable and infinite beyond physical perception.  To label it otherwise seems like a blasphemy except for purposes of illumination.  It can take many forms which can work to model traits, actions and characteristics of various entities in the accomplishment of my purpose.  Finding purpose seemed the fundament, even though the “I” had little idea as such.

I acted in vain to define myself through others and my relations to them.  This reality tunnel mostly failed because I had little purpose and no realization of its presence or formation.  In this my ego gravitated to self-annihilation in a limited set.  This wound up in self-deprecation and self-loathing to the point of the desire to painlessly dissolve and disappear from this world.  This state proved painfully unrewarding.  It seemed like a denial of hedonism giving only frustration, shame, and depressions which seemed unending. Still trapped in the belief telling me intellectual understanding provided a solution and solace little progress occurred.

It must have happened via too much drug use in various combinations this thinking eventually said as the beliefs of parents, professionals and preachers worked as the predominant patterns.  Charismatic Christianity and the attendant nonsense served like a way out of the mess of all of it in my early twenties leaving only too much angst about life.  Finally, it gave way to some lesser materialist viewpoints of those around me and I once again took on the phony embrace of my perception of the American Dream.  My earlier pre-Christian views got submerged beneath the religiosity and my hypocritical practice of it.  Once again, more angst about life.

In my early and mid-thirties, it seemed apparent this way of living did not work well and my obligation to personal responsibilities slipped out the window.  Finally, at thirty-four years old a basic plan emerged.  Get away from the drugs and people who use drugs.  I did it and exchanged that addiction to the cult obeisance of the cult of Narcotics Anonymous.  This I embraced along with intellectual and contrived meditations of the Tao, seen and unseen.  The eight-fold path also got corresponded with the 12 Steps of NA, at first seemingly very open and accepting of other correspondences to the cult.  Fortunately, the most powerful tool in overcoming addiction – peer support worked to knock the malady down and got me to realize the self I had formed previously and presently.  I saw the folly of attempting to discover my “true self” and who I am or had been and the overblown significance in my belief system in those times.  After years of practice in those steps and living the lies of an apologist via tolerating believers, I knew I didn’t have a disease and the “program” as very toxic unless adapted to a more humane, less self-deprecating model.  I sought less and less peer approval in developing self-esteem and began to live my life as I saw fit with confidence.  It took about fifteen to twenty years to realize the program didn’t serve me and I didn’t need to count votes pro or con amongst peers who remained or left the “Program”.  In this a self-got realized and actualized.  I had an identity with less contrivance out of social, professional, and familial acceptability.  I had embarked on a more genuine relationship with myself with less ego traps.

Still, there seemed a great deal of selfishness so I consistently performed unselfish acts.  Some had ulterior motive in a caretaking sense, others out of duty to others, and others still for the joy of doing something unselfishly.

In the mid to late teens, I wanted to depend on others for my view of myself instead of using them as a reflection of my actions and attitude which I grew into later. It seemed to get out of control in my mid-twenties to early thirties due to self-delusions resulting in erroneous perception filters and erratic actions.  I took everything too personally, felt threatened constantly and used my words as poisoned munitions against myself and others – beliefs and behaviors which have taken many years to replace.  Today, still a work in progress.

I have much affection for many friends, family, and lovers.  I attempt to find out what makes them feel loved and if it doesn’t compromise my self-care, I give to them.  It gets a little tough when I engage with people who have behaviors which I tend to take personally so I strive to stay away from those situations and appreciate them at a safe distance.  In my drive to be loved by others, I must pay attention and determine if I am seeking reciprocation from the unwilling and willing yet incapable of it.  Most of my disappointments with others have origins in the latterly so constant vigilance with a minimum, if not devoid of self-judgement seem necessary.

From this value comes in taking care of me so I can serve others and myself in a realization of the all connectedness I feel when out of the self-created anxieties of daily life.

©2017mhumunculero

Recover from recovery-a real strategy

ADDICTION IS NOT A PROGRESSIVE, INCURABLE, FATAL DISEASE…MOST PEOPLE OVERCOME IT BY DECIDING TO DO SO…

Rather than therapy(which can help if result oriented, as process oriented is not so effective, is too costly, and takes too long), 12 Step Programs, and of course religion and spirituality.  Here comes a new strategy based on my own habit breaking techniques and those gleaned from others…

This is a basic treatise on this…I may cover each in depth in further blogs…

1.  Garner complete self acceptance without judgment.

this may seem overwhelming for those believing they have little self worth, accepting shaming and guilting from others, and doing lots of self deprecation.  A good technique can have great effect by writing down this problem and how you would advise yourself to get out of it.  Myriad ways that work are easily accessible in free books and on the internet.  Another useful technique is to find friends, associates, and family who care for you and have them tell you your positive character traits while you write them down…you can now make a list of these, stare into the mirror before bed and prefix each with the short phrase-I am-saying them out loud while staring deeply into your eyes…prefix these with the vocalized affirmation…I now completely accept myself without judgment…after this write down how this will cause you to change into a person loving oneself unconditionally

2.  Admit you have a harmful habit-look into it, explore it, write about how this has affected you and what your life will be like without it.

Very important: write out how you will break the habit love yourself and manage your affairs…

3.  Find people who will support you without judgment who will listen to you and only give you feedback when you ask for it.

REMEMBER AVOIDING TAKING ANYTHING PERSONALLY FROM ANYONE AND REALIZE THIS IS ABOUT THEM AND NOT YOU

4.  Learn a form of mindfulness meditation, exercise moderately, adjust to a healthy, toxic free diet—do this in ways that fit and produce beneficial results.

5.  Develop a completely new lifestyle away from the addiction supporting lifestyle. 

Write down what the old life was like and how your new life will reflect new beliefs, behaviors, thinking patterns, and a supportive environment.  Walk through this in the future from successful behaviors yourself or even others you identify with have used to make great success in this, even when you practiced the old addiction habit.  In practice of the new beliefs and behaviors give ourselves kudos and accolades whenever we have made progress…take stock of the progress and add to it in developing more productive future outcomes.

6.  Take complete responsibility for all actions, feelings, thoughts, beliefs at all times.

Remember, you probably chose addiction, now you choose to overcome it and create new beneficial patterns away from it..  You don’t need the drugs and self destructive behaviors even though they may seem useful survival patterns.  In doing this there comes FREEDOM from self destructive concepts.  Addiction, while it may cause pathology is in itself, haa never been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt a bonafide disease in and of itself and steer clear of the erroneous, destructive concepts claiming it as such.  They’re not good metaphors either.  Self affirm in the mirror everyday.

Create emotional and physical boundaries which you do not allow encroachment upon and reinforce, especially with family…you can love them from afar. 

Also:  REMEMBER THIS WHEN DEALING WITH NOT TAKING THINGS PERSONALLY...

 

WHAT I THINK, WHAT I FEEL, WHAT I DO OR DON’T DO IS ABOUT ME NOT YOU.

AND

WHAT YOU THINK, WHAT YOU FEEL, WHAT YOU DO OR DON’T DO IS ABOUT YOU, NOT ME…

 

REMEMBER YOUR HAPPINESS AS A STATE…CALL UP THAT STATE NOW…INCREASE IT…STEP BACK OUT OF IT…STEP BACK IN INCREASE THE STATE AND ANCHOR IT WITH A GESTURE OR A VISUALIZATION ON THE WAY TO ITS ZENITH…REPEAT SEVERAL TIMES.  STEP OUT DO SOMETHING UNRELATED AND MAKE THE GESTURE…TEST AGAIN AND AGAIN REPEAT THE ABOVE STEP UNTIL YOU CAN BE HAPPY ANYTIME YOU DESIRE…

More on this shit later…

Water drops on green leaf
Water drops on green leaf