Honesty and Dishonesty

The facts are in – almost everyone acts dishonest at least occasionally.

Seemingly most of it entails situations which don’t have much importance to the individual lying.

So those of us who think we practice complete honesty and transparency may find ourselves from time to time lying or engaging in something not quite transparent. 

The Matrix Experiment found most people will cheat to some extent

https://www.elsevier.com/editors-update/story/publishing-ethics/a-fascinating-experiment-into-measuring-dishonesty

 

“Over 40,000 people, from all walks of life, participated in The Matrix Experiments.

What did we find?

  • On average, people solved four problems but reported solving six.
  • Nearly 70% cheated.
  • Only 20 out of the 40,000 were “big cheaters”, people who claimed to have solved all 20 problems. They cost the experiment $400.
  • We also found more than 28,000 “little cheaters” who cost the experiment $50,000.”

One study has shown up to 60% of people lie

“The study, published in the journal’s June issue, found that 60 percent of people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation and told an average of two to three lies.”

https://www.umass.edu/newsoffice/article/umass-amherst-researcher-finds-most-people-lie-everyday-conversation

Men and women lie for distinct reasons:

““Women were more likely to lie to make the person they were talking to feel good, while men lied most often to make themselves look better,” Feldman said.”

” “It’s tied in with self-esteem,” says University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert Feldman. “We find that as soon as people feel that their self-esteem is threatened, they immediately begin to lie at higher levels.”

https://www.livescience.com/772-lie.html

So possibly it boils down to self-esteem.  If our self-esteem gets mostly genuine and we practice impeccability with our words, thoughts and actions we might lie a little bit less.  In doing this it gets very helpful to realize while we aim for 100% honesty, the first step of this may come in remaining honest with ourselves and when we discern we have lied to ourselves, stop it at the level of belief and thought so the poison doesn’t flow well from our mouths.  This means non-judgement, positive or negative.  It also means we will do our best to practice feeling loving toward ourselves individually.

In my own life, this provided an opportunity to use honesty to improve my life.  In work, it meant telling the truth about products and services so customers could make their decision based on facts with little embellishment.  It also meant telling my friends and family the truth more consistently.  Mostly I found I had to say less.  I didn’t have to support anyone with false embellishments or unnecessary compliments as making someone feel better about themselves with a lie will sooner or later get discovered and my credibility with them would suffer and the relationship would weaken seriously.

I have looked at my beliefs about myself.  The teachings from parents as a child served as helpful contradictions.  My mother gave me statements about me being a special person with extraordinary talent and ability and my father told me I would never amount to anything unless I learned to work hard for everything and this would start with deprecating statements about my behavior.  I had a lot of shame to overcome and it’s not all gone.  This affords me the opportunity to work with it consistently.

A new belief which helped me had to do with first accepting I had ultimate worth on the eternal scale of value, this served me until the realization came regarding the nonexistence of self.  No self, no self-esteem needed.  This contradicted the pop psychology of its reverse theories.  In this model, all seems connected to doing and actions which come from beliefs, thought, and feelings.  Seemingly we a feedback cyclicity of thoughts producing feelings and behaviors feeding back on prevailing beliefs many of which wound up erroneous.  In changing the beliefs and stopping the limiting thoughts from guiding actions I had to do less to keep myself honest.  It also meant offering less up in unsolicited feedback, something which seemed to prevail in the “meetings” of the twelve-step cult I attended for a couple of decades.  One of the best actions I took had to do with getting away from it and the toxicity in words spoken there, when really the only thing which worked well came from the love in unspoken support.  Knowing I am loved and encouraged to love myself made me feel love for myself and others almost unconditionally.

Since moving on from there I have made beneficial and limiting decisions about my life and I dedicate myself, imperfectly, to improving beliefs, thinking, and behaviors and calling up humble, loving feelings for myself.  Much of this has come in taking better care of my body and general health.  Along the way I have been able to genuinely help some others, giving me more loving feelings in general.

In the ongoing set of conclusions, having a multifaceted set of perspectives helps me to less judgmental conclusions and statements.  Looking at what I say based on observations before I say them – this takes a lot of mindfulness to do it effectively and I have sometimes gone to almost angry extremes to defend my stated perceptions about situations only to have to make amends for the behavior in stopping myself from doing it again and making things right in my best way possible.

Honesty it seems, ought to concern the truth and truth comes from knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt.  Reporting what happened, how I thought and felt seems like about all I can do regarding this.  Mostly, I strive to practice concise brevity as it gets too easy to slip into conjecture and verbose rhetoric.  In the utmost sense it looks like the less I believe about anything, the better as it leaves me more open to varied interpretations and perceptions which may have more objectivity.  If this seems self negating and contradictory, that will turn out a reader perspective.  I tend to characterize it more as a paradox like many other things human.

Everything-we-hear-is-an-opinion-not-a-fact.-Everything-we-see-is-a-perspective-not-the-truth.-Marcus-Aurelius

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

©2017MHumunculero

A THREE-FOLD FILTER

In my most existentialist beliefs, I learned to view my “self” (egoistic construct as coping mechanism?) in three relationships.

  1. my relationship to myself

  2. my relationship to others

  3. my relationship to God or divine source

All of this I had pondered as a teenager, who, having massive insecurities, questioned my consciousness and the illusion of existence.  Mahayana Buddhist philosophy seemed a way toward the inner peace of knowing I didn’t exist and nothing was real.  My job seemed about learning and practicing the eight-fold path, in the NOW.  Much of this awareness seemed to come from psychedelic experiences.  In short, the best trips involved the knowing and feeling of connectedness to the fundamental forces which unify the seeming ALL.  Later, in discovering the Eight circuits of consciousness in Leary’s model, it seemed I had bounced between the seventh and eighth circuits in the perceptions of in and out of body experiences, missing a much of the sixth circuit (metaprogramming).

The main divine connection felt like the motherlode of all, the feeling of complete connectedness which started physically and eventually got perceived as “pure” consciousness.  This perception and how it feels remains tangible and at once unfathomable and infinite beyond physical perception.  To label it otherwise seems like a blasphemy except for purposes of illumination.  It can take many forms which can work to model traits, actions and characteristics of various entities in the accomplishment of my purpose.  Finding purpose seemed the fundament, even though the “I” had little idea as such.

I acted in vain to define myself through others and my relations to them.  This reality tunnel mostly failed because I had little purpose and no realization of its presence or formation.  In this my ego gravitated to self-annihilation in a limited set.  This wound up in self-deprecation and self-loathing to the point of the desire to painlessly dissolve and disappear from this world.  This state proved painfully unrewarding.  It seemed like a denial of hedonism giving only frustration, shame, and depressions which seemed unending. Still trapped in the belief telling me intellectual understanding provided a solution and solace little progress occurred.

It must have happened via too much drug use in various combinations this thinking eventually said as the beliefs of parents, professionals and preachers worked as the predominant patterns.  Charismatic Christianity and the attendant nonsense served like a way out of the mess of all of it in my early twenties leaving only too much angst about life.  Finally, it gave way to some lesser materialist viewpoints of those around me and I once again took on the phony embrace of my perception of the American Dream.  My earlier pre-Christian views got submerged beneath the religiosity and my hypocritical practice of it.  Once again, more angst about life.

In my early and mid-thirties, it seemed apparent this way of living did not work well and my obligation to personal responsibilities slipped out the window.  Finally, at thirty-four years old a basic plan emerged.  Get away from the drugs and people who use drugs.  I did it and exchanged that addiction to the cult obeisance of the cult of Narcotics Anonymous.  This I embraced along with intellectual and contrived meditations of the Tao, seen and unseen.  The eight-fold path also got corresponded with the 12 Steps of NA, at first seemingly very open and accepting of other correspondences to the cult.  Fortunately, the most powerful tool in overcoming addiction – peer support worked to knock the malady down and got me to realize the self I had formed previously and presently.  I saw the folly of attempting to discover my “true self” and who I am or had been and the overblown significance in my belief system in those times.  After years of practice in those steps and living the lies of an apologist via tolerating believers, I knew I didn’t have a disease and the “program” as very toxic unless adapted to a more humane, less self-deprecating model.  I sought less and less peer approval in developing self-esteem and began to live my life as I saw fit with confidence.  It took about fifteen to twenty years to realize the program didn’t serve me and I didn’t need to count votes pro or con amongst peers who remained or left the “Program”.  In this a self-got realized and actualized.  I had an identity with less contrivance out of social, professional, and familial acceptability.  I had embarked on a more genuine relationship with myself with less ego traps.

Still, there seemed a great deal of selfishness so I consistently performed unselfish acts.  Some had ulterior motive in a caretaking sense, others out of duty to others, and others still for the joy of doing something unselfishly.

In the mid to late teens, I wanted to depend on others for my view of myself instead of using them as a reflection of my actions and attitude which I grew into later. It seemed to get out of control in my mid-twenties to early thirties due to self-delusions resulting in erroneous perception filters and erratic actions.  I took everything too personally, felt threatened constantly and used my words as poisoned munitions against myself and others – beliefs and behaviors which have taken many years to replace.  Today, still a work in progress.

I have much affection for many friends, family, and lovers.  I attempt to find out what makes them feel loved and if it doesn’t compromise my self-care, I give to them.  It gets a little tough when I engage with people who have behaviors which I tend to take personally so I strive to stay away from those situations and appreciate them at a safe distance.  In my drive to be loved by others, I must pay attention and determine if I am seeking reciprocation from the unwilling and willing yet incapable of it.  Most of my disappointments with others have origins in the latterly so constant vigilance with a minimum, if not devoid of self-judgement seem necessary.

From this value comes in taking care of me so I can serve others and myself in a realization of the all connectedness I feel when out of the self-created anxieties of daily life.

©2017mhumunculero

Appreciations

“God fucking damn it!” It came out as a scream at the top of his lungs. He looks again at the leaf pattern in the teacup.
She keeps laughing, “Your fifteen seconds of fame are about to come to an end!”

His face got more and more so crimson in the bright light flooding through the bay windows of their home. They’d bought and paid for everything they owned free and clear with revenue from their creativity, joint and separate. He has a great deal of pride in this. She loves what she does and the work they do together, and the ways in which he works as a solid force of appreciation, present so very consistently. She believes in him and the beauties of what he does. These appreciations go beyond their attraction for each other which by the way have not waned over the years.
He doesn’t like changes not going his way and now the paradigm of his work has come to an impasse which probably necessitates a complete redesign.

No longer angry, his silence has turned to rage.

“Fucking sales of my work have dropped! Why have I lost my popularity in the market? What do you think partner? Does your input in our collaborations keep us buoyed with good revenues there?”
She looked at him with a strength of affection, “Maybe we ought to look at reviews and see what the deterrent seems to be?”

He went a little white in the face and his expression sank looking like shame. “Maybe I haven’t got it on my own anymore. Maybe it’s just the synergy between us which works.”

She smiled lovingly, “No dear. Maybe we need to wait until we have a factual basis before you evaluate. I think your reactions come from hurt feelings and you can be more understanding and compassionate looking in this mirror.”
“You’re so smart and loving not to mention my preference in womanly beauty…”

She wrapped her arms around him from the side and kissed his left cheek and neck. He knew her and support remained strong as ever.

After some surveys and days. He went into meditation and divinations. They gave the messages he had to change to survive and he ought to find some more creative ideas he like which might appeal.

It was 1130pm, he awakened to her kisses and caresses. Inspired they made love and fucked until past three. She fell asleep. He went into the studio with words and riffs. He got started and it felt purposeful.

 

©2017mhumunculero

Forgiveness – an unnecessary term

aachecks

 

 

 

 

 

Over and over we see blog posts and articles telling us forgiveness is essential for self-development and inner peace.

Forgiveness winds up rarely necessary and in the best cases seems arbitrary and apologist in context, opening the door when boundaries are weak, for more abuses.

Forgiveness has little necessity in my experience, when I can keep my word to myself and not take things personally which people, organizations and institutions do in the course of their aims and behaviors. 

When I vow to myself to practice discretion in all my affairs without letting it degrade to paranoia by making assumptions about a situation or person, I can find the practical, most logical path and avoid or deal with people and situations. 

This means I diligently watch people.  I have to watch people, their speech and behaviors and observe their consistency.  When their behavior does not match their statements and claims consistently, they can be avoided or only have limited influence in my affairs.  When they lie, cheat, and steal I strive to avoid them at all costs and if there’s a necessity in dealing with them, strict boundaries and limited interaction wind up a must.

Recently, I got a call from someone who had lied extensively and stole from me while gas lighting to others about me, attempting to normalize their behavior by projecting their lack of integrity and dishonesty back on myself.  The person repeatedly stated how sorry they feel for these things they had done and asked if I would be interested in friendship.  I did not reply to this, except to state what my interests were in a relationship.  I further stated and reiterated how apologies are hollow without actions to right the wrongs committed and asked how this would get accomplished. Duh, if you don’t replace items lost, stolen, or destroyed, and treat me with integrity, apologies have little value. The answers given were satisfying; however follow-up has been poor – consistent with previous behaviors and the lack of integrity, honesty, and decisive actions taken.  I find it best to wait and see, without judgement or condemnation, what may come next

The problem here has to do with trust, an essential element in forgiveness along with understanding and compassion.  I have learned in practice, trust, for the most part has little use in the course of human affairs as it gets viewed with too much idealism to have lasting value.  People do what they do and I can at best, work with probabilities of them acting consistently.  It seems, in my perception, most people have consistent patterns of behavior.  When I slow down to observe them, I can discern what might have a probability of a person performing on promises or agreements.  This means I interact with them accordingly.

When they have acted as the person above, I attempt to wait and see what they’ll do.  If they lack transparency and consistent integrity which practically matches my own I work hard not to make assumptions and expectations based on how I want them to behave with me.  This means I let go and move on to more consistent interactions which have win – win, mutual benefit.

Sometimes this has happened with family and it can have poor import when I expect too much.  There’s one close family member I have who I cosigned a loan for, stipulating he’d make all the payments in a timely manner until paid in full – which he did for a time.  As time went on, he lied about making payments and when the chief collection agency called me I found he was 78 payments behind on a $1500.00 balance.  He lied repeatedly about setting up a working payment plan with this entity and is still behind, leaving my credit in arrears.  When I contacted the collection agency and made a settlement offer, they did not respond in writing to my written request, wanting to use telephone collection tactics to attempt working with me.  Since all this, I have ended my relationship with this family member until he makes good on our agreement and either pays off the loan and allows me to clear my credit or the company mentioned deals with me and the family member pays me in full.  Based on behavior, I find it reasonable to think both will perform consistent with previous behavior.  \

I have also found others who maintain relationships with individuals I mentioned and those performing similarly will practice apologist behavior regarding them.  I observe them with caution from a distance.

Forgiveness only serves well when apologist beliefs tell me I will need to forgive in order to let go and extinguish any resentments.  I have found this a waste of time.  When I don’t take the person’s behavior personally and don’t waste time and energies staying angry and developing resentments and keep my word to love and honor myself, I don’t have to forgive them and have fewer feelings and thoughts regarding the situations.  Very simply, I let go.  In the same vein, it does not mean I cease pursuing the reparations and amends of behavior from the violators.  Usually they are pursued unceasingly and dispassionately until I have established an end to it.  This means I persistently ask for and if possible seek legal means to achieve satisfaction without judgement of personality and public or internal condemnation.  Letting go means I let go of anger and resentment and pursue relentlessly out of principle.  Should those ends not find satisfaction due to the inability of the offenders to make right their offenses, all pursuits will suspend or cease without enmity or thought of revenge.  It also means, friendship will remain optional based on subsequent behaviors.

©2016Checks

delete

For all the fucks given and lost

In the space between pain and the distraction from pain,

In eyes that want something they’ll see; the delusion of what they think they’ve gotten.

It got a little too worn out,

There was no party in the pain the chemicals eventually caused,

And living with pain did not make it bearable.

It made pain too much less a pleasure to achieve any worthy result.

 

So in others…causing pain worked for some moments,

Losing the illusion it had a luster of pleasure,

So someone told me they had to have those cigarettes and the

Booze rotting their guts and brains,

And all I saw seemed like tarred lungs and a besotted bleeding brains

And their tears of ongoing calamity and cheap melodrama unnecessary,

The musing fell off like piss and shit down a toilet,

I got grateful for the flushing.

 

Afterward sitting in rooms full of the self-piteous victims and their next would be perpetrators,

Triangulated by other perp-victims,

Waiting in line for a turn at that pain which looked like pleasure…

 

In all that nonsense, I saw you there and we conversed and got in rapport,

We seemed supported and cared for and we fucked and attempted to love,

And for quite some great collection of moments we loved and we fucked,

And we gave one another great pleasures,

You saw me through my demise coming through to live,

I could not see you through your madnesses and wonts to kill yourself,

It all seemed to go on the pain as you go delay plan

While I consumed your pussy in prolonged yet attenuated pleasure,

Leaving you to narcissism and the torture of boys with hateful mothers,

So she brought herself to me in longer years to come and come;

Hundreds of times she came easily,

Her pleasure blessings, longing for the

Divine blessing she found in the lesser resurrection

Forgoing my morning erections,

For the torture of an imaginary God friend’s love which never existed,

An egregore of delayed dissatisfaction,

Losing the mixture of our fluids during and after that which transcends the fucking.

 

Then you came and left too much,

Everything seemed important excepting the coupling you thought you cherished,

And you cringed at my pains and anger at the frustrations with living beyond all that,

So the relatives became more important and you and I less so…

 

Before this I saw a different you.

I had loved you long realizing later and sooner your narcissism would come to no good,

And watched your pain pill withdrawals and chemical driven obesity,

Briefly interrupted by a great many short orgasms and long deep comings,

And a desire for me to take care of you in ways which no Man can or would,

You paused our plodding at love with a night out wrong,

Seemingly dishonest like before,

And before when the real magicks seemed so driven and important

And the other males you wanted failed you,

And your husbands failed you,

And I left you before you could lie and say I failed you

While you continued to fail yourself

And wander painfully toward death on installments,

I distained at killing your distractions as they would come like endless ocean waves…

 

Now you come, fucking yourself over

Killing the endearing parts running from what works,

In the spoils of indulgence, wasted

Loving the devil of me,

Loving me as a Man,

So in this opus of your fatal deprecations,

The anchors of would be sorrows of this die before engulfing me,

And so we are gods, so we are partners…

While I go beyond divinity,

While I find some peace in my physical pains

And sorrow in mother’s death,

And my old good friends death caused by the same victim path

Killing you all so slowly

So slowly

In self-hateful murder disguised as suicide whilst

I kill my ego one more time…

WinonaRyder@SexAndDeath101

©mondohumunculero 2015

waited

waited

waited/weighted

life feels better sometimes
her eyes say
her eyes stay hidden with the I love yous
tortured by her mind
bewildered
the trust long gone
LONG forgotten,
She always remembers me,
thinks of me
wishes me there…

showing up,
turning around,
seeing me here
always
vestibule home for this face,
passions deep into her stations
again and again and again,
she looks behind her asking
where
turning around
I am here,
smiling, she knows she loves me
tells me in another place

We’re partnered apart these long years…

©2015mhumunculero