If only(LOL)

da touch

If only we would have watched the sun come up that one last time,

 

If only the scent of flowers would have reached our noses as the most fragrant smell ever tasted,

 

If only we can actually hear what we say to each other,

 

If only we would have seized the opportunity to know and to love each other in a most special and endearing set of ways,

 

If only we could have considered those other sets of choices for decisions we made,

 

If only we would have learned what it was like to feel loved and to know what made us feel loved,

 

If only we would have seized the opportunities in front of us and seen them as opportunities instead of solutions to problems,

 

If only in this moment and in every moment, we choose to cherish the special, beautiful moments life brings,

 

If  only we can now stop tolerating apologists in any form and meet them with fields of fact,

If only the apathetic in the land of quit will awaken from the trance of narcissisms and inaction to stand with a more universal set of values in loving consensus,

If only we wouldn’t have to turn ourselves into solutions and we could keep ourselves in a gaseous state, not believing in much not worrying about anything. Only moving forward believing that the best possibilities will go beyond the worst outcomes…

 

 

 

 

 

 

©mhumunculero2017

 

 

swirly

Coffee, coffee and devil’s cake too…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

amodern devil

The coffee shop opened at 5 am.

 

She had done an all – nighter preparing for another useless business task at a price that fills the pockets of her masters.

Someone else came up out of the earth at that moment. Heavy density, the origin like gravity, like the 4th force of the universe. He, She, it, animate, inanimate, phantom like yet harder and denser than the most dense matter from the stars. This life form he was dealing with had reached a its dead end. Of course, this often happens with many species. They reach a point where they cannot adapt and survive Will these humans evolve into another humanoid like form? Will they be able to adapt to the conditions they have created in their foolish lack of forsight?  

Not to worry, it would feel nice to do some whimsical things.

It reached into itself and pulled out several scenarios.

In this moment, a handsome young man made his way to the coffee bar. Behind him came our female friend lost in her anxiety over finishing her work project. She could smell him, sending a warm wave from her third eye to her groin. She saw herself with this man, whereupon he turned around. He very gently placed a hand in the small of her back. He looked into her eyes, and she pressed her mouth on his, touching the tip of his tongue with hers.

This was like a dream come true. How could this happen this way? How could this happen so quickly?

He ordered his coffee with his arm around her waist, she nuzzling her nose and lips into his neck. She felt very secure and confident for what she had to do in an hour and a half and he ordered exactly what she wanted without having to ask. They got their coffee and retired to a table outside obscured from the view of others. They took a few sips of their coffee, staring each into each other’s eyes, hands touching. She had on a skirt to her knees, no panties; a plaid with blues, greens and black with a black skin tight top, no bra. Her voice made his cock rock hard. She sensed it and opened his pants, freeing it in into the morning air. Her right hand found the tip giving the motion, which is perfect for him while his tongue probed her mouth, leaving the coffees on the table. Soon she was in his lap, burying his cock in her wet quim, and squeezing it with the muscles made fit from those hundreds of thousands of Kegels she did for years. They kissed wildly. Her vagina massaged that rock hard pulsing penis and felt the cum rising out of his balls several times, which she halted mid shaft, giving him the shivers of body orgasms she was experiencing. For some reason, this drew people walking by.

People pulled in, parked, getting out of their cars, getting some coffee of their own, some of them engaging in their own orgies and couplings. Meanwhile, on the street, two cars smashed head on with a fire truck close behind them, full of firefighters also after their coffee. They parked mid street, walked in and ordered before they extracted the injured and dead from the wreck.

Our friend from up out of the earth was laughing now. Here once again, some sex and death with a decrepit species. It wasn’t the great energy fucks he was used to in his interdimensional travels. Not so unlike other lower life forms he encountered, conjugating and fucking and exchanging genetic information. This is a species fast becoming infertile. Not only in body, also in thinking and neuro evolution. It felt pleasant to watch death filling the street with blood and shit from spilled guts, and to feel the fucking and the bodily fluid exchange from those who were oblivious to the carnage which had occurred outside.

Now in another dream on another day, the new POTUS and his cronies had gathered together to cause the destruction of the administration they hated so much. In this moment, the generals and the elite strike force they created needed for such a coup and execution, rushed into the room, weapons raised, killing all. At that point, another weapon was introduced, which disintegrates organic matter, and all traces of them vanished. Not even dust remained.

Back at the coffee shop on that other day, people changed partners and continued to fuck and fuck and fuck. The firefighters watched and drank their coffee. The cops showed up, the forensics team showed up. A lady coroner arrived who should have been a pin up in some men’s magazine from the 1950s. She grabbed the battalion chief on the fire truck who was another pin up from the calendars some cougar women hang on their walls. They grabbed each other and lay in the blood and shit and piss in the street and created a fuck fest spectacle that even the worst scat porn people will shit their pants watching….

 

 

 

©Copyright 2017 Humunculero

She does and can

She fucked me and I slept well.

Yes, she crawled in my bed with me after a couple of days of affection.  She lay next to me enjoying her sleep, having her rest.  And there in a presence of “maybe he’ll wake up and we’ll have a passionate three-day fuck and love fest”, I did wake up with a throbbing hurt.  It seemed so proud like a blurred vision for some and sharp for others of an ever-lengthening Priapus moment.  We celebrated each other. I knew her every inch, passionately in touch, smell and the vision and sounds of her writhing in ecstasy.

She had little use for my compassionate masculinity of well lived in BALLS.

She held tightly and kissed perfectly.  She grasped the explosions of my innermost fuckIloveyouandyouknowitastrue.

When she isolated and separated temporarily I got busy for my day like always.  It always worked in the end and at least served as a reminder about keeping on and moving forward no matter what.  In good faith, it didn’t work to take anything to do with her personally.  Both of us did what we thought we wanted to do almost regardless of consequences which got fewer and fewer in keeping our word to ourselves.  Yes, there occurred anger and consternation.  Yes, we argued at lower and lower volume. Yes, we planned better than make up sex.

I got to act like a force field around her vulnerability.  Just presence and appreciation makes it work.

It generates in parts from both of us.

She came through the field with creative action enthralling everyone in various ways.

 

 

 

©humunculero2017

PLEASE DON’T

agood shot

 

There’s a lot of chatter about Islam and its evils.  Yes, the various sects of this faith have some radical variants which want to impose their rigid way of life on everyone.  When we compare this to radical evangelical Christians and their collateral murderous spin offs we don’t see a lot of differences.  They have all killed about the same amount of people.  I am wondering if the same can be said about Judaism on a proportionate basis.  At any rate, they have incited, mostly involuntarily, evangelicals and inspired radical Islamists to aid or destroy them.  Zionists have an equal part in the “monotheist” paradigm for their level of contribution. 

At any rate, if these religions get widely accepted as mythology and their codes debunked along with the mythologies of other religions – Hinduism and Buddhism are not exempt – we may have a chance to free up humanity long enough to save life on the planet.

That the Abrahamic mythologies affect at least 3.5B people on the planet seems great cause for a rational activism in educating the masses.  The religions are all myth.  There was no Abraham, no Moses, no Solomon, no Jesus, no Mohammed going to heaven – none of this.  Scholars have shown repeatedly that the old Testament is rife with myth until 600BCE and there’s no historic or archeological proof for any of the mythical figures or real historic figures and their mythos.  Most of these religions got established through warfare and the subjugation of peoples and cultures – yes even Buddhism.

This getting stated, can we afford sacred cows in our societies and cultures?  Should we allow ancient, outdated, repressive codes to determine our destiny?  Oddly enough, the erroneous beliefs and thinking have shaped the destiny of our world through a dark and distorted lens which does not practice what it preaches about the sanctity of life and the exaltation of the worth of life on Earth.  I have little wonder at the presence of the apocalyptic beliefs rife in most of the Abrahamic religions and their predecessors.  It looks a like a neurotic, human lemming delusion.  Our species – seeking unconsciously – to extinct itself as another failed species “experiment”.  The natural phenomena of industrialization puking poison into the environment posits this distinct possibility all around us.  If capitalism seems like an outgrowth of industrialized civilization, so far, the system has shown us a clear path to extinction.  These economies rule the world and destroy it as we live and still breathe.

The fact we have thought of numerous solutions to our manifested destiny can give glimmers of a way out toward survival.  Capitalism has it’s uses however, we don’t think runaway consumerism can do anything except destroy us as it seems to already have proved. Should our estimates turn out wrong, it won’t harm us and life on the planet to go to nonpolluting, renewable energies and the production of ecologically sound products and lifestyles.  Maybe we can do as Buckminster Fuller postulated.  Maybe Malthus had a point?  Nonetheless, overpopulation and our current consumptive human world seem the likely root cause of it all.  We really have not shown the significant improvements which will result in our survival and evolution to more adapted levels.  Maybe our collective genomes have reached their endpoint?

On the doomsday timeclock, it we accept the model, we are beyond the 11th hour and must motivate ourselves to act NOW.  We must clean up in many ways.  We must base our economic systems so that small groups of people and families do not control the well-being of our species as they do not have this in mind for the most part and this system stays in epic fail mode.  Greed and selfishness will spell our demise unless opportunity gets created for making the greatest profits ever without prophets.

We all know money must get out of politics.  We know countries don’t run well like businesses and the goals of most corporations and large private businesses do not coincide with the needs of the people who largely support them.  Religion needs to get placed in a recreational category and ought not get taken seriously except to provide a vehicle of transcendence.  We must get united behind our survival and enhancement of life on this planet as we won’t find ourselves able to leave it in time to avoid our extinction.  So, casting aside the divisiveness in “scripture” for the unifying principles which also seem inherent in our species might wind up the best solution.  We can spend our time caring for our planet and hence one another.  We can forge a new destiny other than our imminent demise.  Those who prove the thinking and beliefs causing greed and its irresponsibility will have to get pushed out of the way so we can live on.

It will only work if we can change our pursuit of pleasure into the pleasurable pursuit of our deepest caring for each other.

 

 

©2017mhumunculero

A THREE-FOLD FILTER

In my most existentialist beliefs, I learned to view my “self” (egoistic construct as coping mechanism?) in three relationships.

  1. my relationship to myself

  2. my relationship to others

  3. my relationship to God or divine source

All of this I had pondered as a teenager, who, having massive insecurities, questioned my consciousness and the illusion of existence.  Mahayana Buddhist philosophy seemed a way toward the inner peace of knowing I didn’t exist and nothing was real.  My job seemed about learning and practicing the eight-fold path, in the NOW.  Much of this awareness seemed to come from psychedelic experiences.  In short, the best trips involved the knowing and feeling of connectedness to the fundamental forces which unify the seeming ALL.  Later, in discovering the Eight circuits of consciousness in Leary’s model, it seemed I had bounced between the seventh and eighth circuits in the perceptions of in and out of body experiences, missing a much of the sixth circuit (metaprogramming).

The main divine connection felt like the motherlode of all, the feeling of complete connectedness which started physically and eventually got perceived as “pure” consciousness.  This perception and how it feels remains tangible and at once unfathomable and infinite beyond physical perception.  To label it otherwise seems like a blasphemy except for purposes of illumination.  It can take many forms which can work to model traits, actions and characteristics of various entities in the accomplishment of my purpose.  Finding purpose seemed the fundament, even though the “I” had little idea as such.

I acted in vain to define myself through others and my relations to them.  This reality tunnel mostly failed because I had little purpose and no realization of its presence or formation.  In this my ego gravitated to self-annihilation in a limited set.  This wound up in self-deprecation and self-loathing to the point of the desire to painlessly dissolve and disappear from this world.  This state proved painfully unrewarding.  It seemed like a denial of hedonism giving only frustration, shame, and depressions which seemed unending. Still trapped in the belief telling me intellectual understanding provided a solution and solace little progress occurred.

It must have happened via too much drug use in various combinations this thinking eventually said as the beliefs of parents, professionals and preachers worked as the predominant patterns.  Charismatic Christianity and the attendant nonsense served like a way out of the mess of all of it in my early twenties leaving only too much angst about life.  Finally, it gave way to some lesser materialist viewpoints of those around me and I once again took on the phony embrace of my perception of the American Dream.  My earlier pre-Christian views got submerged beneath the religiosity and my hypocritical practice of it.  Once again, more angst about life.

In my early and mid-thirties, it seemed apparent this way of living did not work well and my obligation to personal responsibilities slipped out the window.  Finally, at thirty-four years old a basic plan emerged.  Get away from the drugs and people who use drugs.  I did it and exchanged that addiction to the cult obeisance of the cult of Narcotics Anonymous.  This I embraced along with intellectual and contrived meditations of the Tao, seen and unseen.  The eight-fold path also got corresponded with the 12 Steps of NA, at first seemingly very open and accepting of other correspondences to the cult.  Fortunately, the most powerful tool in overcoming addiction – peer support worked to knock the malady down and got me to realize the self I had formed previously and presently.  I saw the folly of attempting to discover my “true self” and who I am or had been and the overblown significance in my belief system in those times.  After years of practice in those steps and living the lies of an apologist via tolerating believers, I knew I didn’t have a disease and the “program” as very toxic unless adapted to a more humane, less self-deprecating model.  I sought less and less peer approval in developing self-esteem and began to live my life as I saw fit with confidence.  It took about fifteen to twenty years to realize the program didn’t serve me and I didn’t need to count votes pro or con amongst peers who remained or left the “Program”.  In this a self-got realized and actualized.  I had an identity with less contrivance out of social, professional, and familial acceptability.  I had embarked on a more genuine relationship with myself with less ego traps.

Still, there seemed a great deal of selfishness so I consistently performed unselfish acts.  Some had ulterior motive in a caretaking sense, others out of duty to others, and others still for the joy of doing something unselfishly.

In the mid to late teens, I wanted to depend on others for my view of myself instead of using them as a reflection of my actions and attitude which I grew into later. It seemed to get out of control in my mid-twenties to early thirties due to self-delusions resulting in erroneous perception filters and erratic actions.  I took everything too personally, felt threatened constantly and used my words as poisoned munitions against myself and others – beliefs and behaviors which have taken many years to replace.  Today, still a work in progress.

I have much affection for many friends, family, and lovers.  I attempt to find out what makes them feel loved and if it doesn’t compromise my self-care, I give to them.  It gets a little tough when I engage with people who have behaviors which I tend to take personally so I strive to stay away from those situations and appreciate them at a safe distance.  In my drive to be loved by others, I must pay attention and determine if I am seeking reciprocation from the unwilling and willing yet incapable of it.  Most of my disappointments with others have origins in the latterly so constant vigilance with a minimum, if not devoid of self-judgement seem necessary.

From this value comes in taking care of me so I can serve others and myself in a realization of the all connectedness I feel when out of the self-created anxieties of daily life.

©2017mhumunculero

Zard origins or the beginnings of beginnings

azard land

 

 

“We have an interest in you Mondo…”

 

The voice was resonating into the top of his head, “What will you do when we tell you all? We must have to start somewhere in your own terms. Our race has evolved an inter-species from two species of different worlds and the primordial human genomes as we can explain it to you. We are related to you more than you know and you can have offspring with us in our female like forms. We have seven differing “sexes” as you might call them. Five of them are more female like than male with three exclusive female multi sexes when have seven complimentary pairs of chromosomes defining sex. All of them work mutably with conscious input…”

“I’m absorbing, as you can tell, this shit just fine. If you’re looking for a sperm donor, I think my swimmer count is low, owing to the age of the germinal epithelium and its ability to reproduce those little bastard makers. I find it interesting you’d want to breed with me. My DNA is loaded with most of the human DNA on the planet as you no doubt know. As long as I get to fuck these females and it’s a good time, I think I’m in…”

“HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA, HAHAHAHAHAH…human males, always thinking about the neural payoff. And of course, we know you give off theta and gamma waves which heal and transform and create interspecies larvae in the information stream.”

“Should be a hella good time with you lizard bitches, I can feel me pulsing like a longer jizzing version of a boar cock. Squirting out little entities filled with the accumulated tasks and the abilities to make them real outcomes. We’ve turned shit into shinola and bio lead into bio platinum, hate into love, and indifference into universal compassion. We’ve made nightmares into daydreams and daydreams into new worlds where Gods are monsters and Monsters eat Gods like I do demons. Roping them and earring them down like horses and calves. Yeah, this is a fuckfest magical rodeo complete with chimeric spawn. I think I am gonna sink my teeth into your scaly, slick, soft neck skin and hold you like a stud horse mounting a horsing mare… Oh yeah.”

She-it-they grasped him gently with their sharp razored talons and breathed an ether into his mouth, anus, and into his urethral opening, causing his transformation and the sprouting of a second cock slightly below his current member. They got hurt my balls hard and she-it-they grabbed both, sliding them into her cloaca which bifurcated and sucked up both cocks, elongating them to dual cervices. She then began a vaginal serpentine series of undulations on his penises, moving in harmony, teasing and testing the very best she-it-they offered. After many long moments of variations and new synthesis a load like he’d never shot rose out of his balls which had turned greenish purple grapefruit sized. She-it-they writhed in their own multiple sets of ecstasy you’d have had to have been there to understand as it was multidimensional in content. , he contributed and she manufactured and delivered it.

Two hours later.

“Goddamn! You make my

shit explode. I feel like I could fuck a hundred more times and like I am a dead ton of flesh on the downside shift.” He had rolled off her backside and she smiled back at him, a lizard woman turning fashion model, black metal star gorgeous now with a seemingly singular physicality.

“Mondo, this is not all we will do with you. We will lay an egg and hatch a lizard bitch internally. The egg will hatch out a monsterling which fast grows into a creature of a similar look to me, complete with mature mentality. For as you shall learn this means works as one of our portals to recreating and synthesizing our previous forms. In this we find a longevity approaching immortality. We come from interior realms in the earth’s core. A network of cities beneath the earth, completely self-sustaining and networked with our kinds throughout our meanders through this galaxy and others…”

“Yeah, I sure feel something more than the four worlds I already walk in now. Like I could warp into other dimensional realms more easily than the most technical magic I have ever used or developed before this. Wow, I just went and came back…it seems I left for quite some time! What the fuck???”

She beguiled with a smile a voice with crappy small guitar amp sounding reverb. He almost expected her to sport a paper mache head of some lizard from a bad, 1950s sci-fi grade z film.

He had been in a different body and part of a set of many minds, now a set of different bodies with many identities living in different worlds, shifting between them at intervals the average human would see as so many fast occurring images like blurred video in analog translations. At once, a colonial set of higher life forms with a networked consciousness, riding on information streams.

And now he was that old Star moving from star cluster to galaxy clusters to the garden where the little flowering star had come back to orbit for a great long span of star moments. She shined upon him and inside of him and birthed little stardust gas clusters which became new galaxies out of her little flowering blue – green starbursts. He absorbed the essence of all this and lived this like star occurring living forms do and do and do…

 

 

to be continued.

©2017mhumunculero

what you imagined

The swagger,

The stumbling drift,

A slurred thought,

Laughter at someone’s hopeful fantasies

Of Death,

The release,

The big sleep…the resting which never ends.

The moments of life pass and come again

In the eternity which validates itself in

Perceptions

Confabulations of the egos

Which influenced belief

Whence came the lands of

Suspension of beliefs and no beliefs

Just tools for more pleasurable moments…

 

©2017mhumunculero

The Secret World of the Uncoupled

Bright jewels stars in a pond,

Ears tasting bars of more than blues

Jazz superseded

Somewhere in the mind of genius

Where art expresses in music

In the dreams making realities awake and asleep

Where trumpets and saxes seem like feelings

And voices of happy and sorrowful females the melodies of piano and guitar

 loved and left

 and remained with

Till death did part us.

 

©2016mhumunculero

The gratitude of loving in sex and otherwise

 

In my college years I aimed my curriculum at Veterinary Medicine.  I pursued what my parents wanted for me.  I didn’t chase my dreams – writing, art and photography.  I had an education trust. School (ASU) was cheap like $160.00 /semester and books.  However, I had to live so the trust gave me a nice little stipend and I went to school for six and a half years including graduate school.  It was a complete paradigm flip from art to science and I did it and loved a lot of the knowledge and direct laboratory experience.  My inheritance bought me a new, in 1972, Datsun 240Z for transport and I drove the piss out of it for eleven years.  I drove ninety on the freeway everywhere.  We had KDKB, the cutting edge underground station and KJZZ and I had a cassette player in there so I was tuned.  I still aspired to be the best front man Phoenix turned out ever and didn’t even own a microphone.  Deep inside me I had what I believed was unresolvable emotional pain so relationships with friends and women were tough. 

I craved the deepest connection with a woman and yet when awesome women presented themselves I would have great sex with them and distance the next day.  During a two year period, four women proposed to me.  They were all highly valuable people with excellent integrity and made something of their lives inside and out.  I kept myself from getting what I dreamed of having because of a weird, depressive self-hate.  I used inordinate amounts of chemicals, hoping they’d make me feel better and my whole emotionality seemed like a gloomy toilet full of misgivings which didn’t flush.  Every so often I would meet some woman who totally cleaned my clock and I somehow doomed myself out of her.  Some of these women I am still friends with today.  I love them with the intensity of any partner and have no desire to fetter them to me.  It’s very fulfilling to have love with no possessiveness and unconditional friendship which could easily be sexual again and has been upon occasion.  I have fully realized long ago how we live and die alone and it’s natural even though there is this connectedness we all feel.  No persons, regardless of their physical connections will stay joined.  It’s all ephemeral gone like life goes – a moment at a time. 

_______________________________

It has taken years of work on myself, experiential, writing and answering self help, self esteem questions.  Also, a great deal of interactive work with others in self development trainings and best of all NLP training, workshops, and clinical.  Today, I am opened fully, sometimes it seems too fully, expecting better out of those who do worse.  In retrospect, it’s all paid off, one way or another.

_____________________________

Many times when I am having very connected sex with a woman I have a profound sense of joy similar to our emotional and intellectual connections we experience privately and socially.  These, to me, posit as my most favorite experiences.  They are unparalleled journeys into sustained bliss.  I feel her giving to me with her affections and I surrender fully to them in very receptive ways, allowing myself to fully appreciate the giving and the pleasures I experience.  I give to her in such a way and she responds deeply, passionately and in her sustained orgasming.  The appreciation I have for her in these ways gives me great fulfillment in the creating of pleasure – part of my life’s purpose.

To you whom we have the pleasures of enjoyment now, before and sooner rather than later, I salute you and what you do and what we will give to each other sustained in the eternity of the moments making this life.

 

 

©2016mhumunculero

Forgiveness – an unnecessary term

aachecks

 

 

 

 

 

Over and over we see blog posts and articles telling us forgiveness is essential for self-development and inner peace.

Forgiveness winds up rarely necessary and in the best cases seems arbitrary and apologist in context, opening the door when boundaries are weak, for more abuses.

Forgiveness has little necessity in my experience, when I can keep my word to myself and not take things personally which people, organizations and institutions do in the course of their aims and behaviors. 

When I vow to myself to practice discretion in all my affairs without letting it degrade to paranoia by making assumptions about a situation or person, I can find the practical, most logical path and avoid or deal with people and situations. 

This means I diligently watch people.  I have to watch people, their speech and behaviors and observe their consistency.  When their behavior does not match their statements and claims consistently, they can be avoided or only have limited influence in my affairs.  When they lie, cheat, and steal I strive to avoid them at all costs and if there’s a necessity in dealing with them, strict boundaries and limited interaction wind up a must.

Recently, I got a call from someone who had lied extensively and stole from me while gas lighting to others about me, attempting to normalize their behavior by projecting their lack of integrity and dishonesty back on myself.  The person repeatedly stated how sorry they feel for these things they had done and asked if I would be interested in friendship.  I did not reply to this, except to state what my interests were in a relationship.  I further stated and reiterated how apologies are hollow without actions to right the wrongs committed and asked how this would get accomplished. Duh, if you don’t replace items lost, stolen, or destroyed, and treat me with integrity, apologies have little value. The answers given were satisfying; however follow-up has been poor – consistent with previous behaviors and the lack of integrity, honesty, and decisive actions taken.  I find it best to wait and see, without judgement or condemnation, what may come next

The problem here has to do with trust, an essential element in forgiveness along with understanding and compassion.  I have learned in practice, trust, for the most part has little use in the course of human affairs as it gets viewed with too much idealism to have lasting value.  People do what they do and I can at best, work with probabilities of them acting consistently.  It seems, in my perception, most people have consistent patterns of behavior.  When I slow down to observe them, I can discern what might have a probability of a person performing on promises or agreements.  This means I interact with them accordingly.

When they have acted as the person above, I attempt to wait and see what they’ll do.  If they lack transparency and consistent integrity which practically matches my own I work hard not to make assumptions and expectations based on how I want them to behave with me.  This means I let go and move on to more consistent interactions which have win – win, mutual benefit.

Sometimes this has happened with family and it can have poor import when I expect too much.  There’s one close family member I have who I cosigned a loan for, stipulating he’d make all the payments in a timely manner until paid in full – which he did for a time.  As time went on, he lied about making payments and when the chief collection agency called me I found he was 78 payments behind on a $1500.00 balance.  He lied repeatedly about setting up a working payment plan with this entity and is still behind, leaving my credit in arrears.  When I contacted the collection agency and made a settlement offer, they did not respond in writing to my written request, wanting to use telephone collection tactics to attempt working with me.  Since all this, I have ended my relationship with this family member until he makes good on our agreement and either pays off the loan and allows me to clear my credit or the company mentioned deals with me and the family member pays me in full.  Based on behavior, I find it reasonable to think both will perform consistent with previous behavior.  \

I have also found others who maintain relationships with individuals I mentioned and those performing similarly will practice apologist behavior regarding them.  I observe them with caution from a distance.

Forgiveness only serves well when apologist beliefs tell me I will need to forgive in order to let go and extinguish any resentments.  I have found this a waste of time.  When I don’t take the person’s behavior personally and don’t waste time and energies staying angry and developing resentments and keep my word to love and honor myself, I don’t have to forgive them and have fewer feelings and thoughts regarding the situations.  Very simply, I let go.  In the same vein, it does not mean I cease pursuing the reparations and amends of behavior from the violators.  Usually they are pursued unceasingly and dispassionately until I have established an end to it.  This means I persistently ask for and if possible seek legal means to achieve satisfaction without judgement of personality and public or internal condemnation.  Letting go means I let go of anger and resentment and pursue relentlessly out of principle.  Should those ends not find satisfaction due to the inability of the offenders to make right their offenses, all pursuits will suspend or cease without enmity or thought of revenge.  It also means, friendship will remain optional based on subsequent behaviors.

©2016Checks

delete

The Stars inside you…

 

 

help me

“Help me help her, she’s in convulsions. She is saying strange names.  Her eyes are rolling back in her head. Greenish foam spews from her mouth.  Her heart is pounding too fast and too hard, I am scared I will lose her.”

He changed his frequency to this distress call.

He could hear it and see it in an information code in his mind’s eye.  He hoped for video since he did not trust her or the friend.  The friend’s style seemed like a variation of her own.

“She’s possessed and from what she’s told me of you, I don’t trust you.  I don’t know what to do…”

“Tell me your location I will come and get her!”

“No, I don’t know what you will do…”, this tone seemed too familiar.

“From what she tells me, you are a controlling old lecherous pig.  You want to rule her and restrict her!  You remind me of so many she has gotten with previously!”

“You don’t know me so how can you state this without direct knowledge?”

“She looks like she’s going into a coma, what will I do?”

The tone felt frantic and yet to some extent contrived.

“Help me I don’t know what to do…”

_____________________________________________________________________

 

Once upon a construct of a relative timeline through a wormhole in a meta-galactic garden where star flowers grow and seed through black holes an Old Bluish Star came to settle in an orbit off its black hole portal path.

The garden, if humans would see it might look so much like the best tended gardens of Earth.  The energy visions we’d see seemed like these flowers, shrubs, trees and grasses grew in unison and separated themselves to a kind of coexistence which allows their stellar presences.

Sometimes the Stellar flowers established a space where their protoplanets would form upon their placement in a galactic cluster of planet forming star systems.

In one of these star plots a beautiful Star consistently bloomed in great radiance.  Decidedly by our human terms this star had a meta feminine nature birthing planets and at full bloom coalescing with smaller gaseous proto stars to bloom larger and more luminous on all spectral levels.

Now, the Old Star had experienced and caused many transformations over the aeons as a progenitor and survivor of ultra stellar chaos.  So much a fractal of multi-dimensional proportion it seemed.  He had stellar consciousness.  A consciousness so vast we humans sense it as an immense current of energy or closer still, a great continuous stream of information manifesting in intersections with others of various proportions across the multiverse.

So now the dialog begins in emanations we’ll attempt to translate:

“Such a fine set of moments is beginning.  Your beauty seems blinding in the dalliance of now.”

She stopped him, “Who seem you to speak, Old Star?  You who has travelled through much of it in the now.  You who’ve known so many of great stellar import and brilliance.  Why bother with us in our harmonious journey in this ever changing garden…WHY?”

“And of course, as you smile in waves at me, you know it not meant to bother. I…”

She interrupted, “You came to join with me, exchange our content and intent without formal invitation or some other to introduce us.  Naturally, Old Star, we feel suspicious of your almost aggressive intrusion.”

He had to turn up his output volume, “Please your majesty.  I have meant to pay homage to your beauty and despite my usual discretions for approach I have found myself a bit bold and intent upon you.  When I sensed you on my travel through these regions, I had no idea I would want to make an introduction and propose an exchange…”

She interjected more forceful now, “You want to starfuck me, admit it.  It’s an acceptable request.  I can see some of the benefit I might have. However, dear old handsome mass of Mega Star God this seems a bit out of context in the haste of your approach.”

She paused and he returned, “Goddess of starblooming please beg my indulgence.  I can see your complete knowledge of our possible merger and exchange.  You seem frightened by the magnitude of it somehow…”

Again she interrupts, “You old fiery gasbag!  I want nothing more than to absorb you and have you adsorb and absorb my manifestations.  The first taste of intention drives me to stellar panic, I fear Supernova…”  She began something akin to what we’d interpret as a stellar hyperventilation, another pause for him to speak again.

 

“Please allow me to calm your fears and rest awhile in the best radiance of my ardor for you.  It will cause you feeling at ease…”.

She did calm down and let him settle on her with an almost blue and invisible shine, “Ohhh I could love you and call you Master.  You are so handsome!”, she would tell him this over and over as they basked in each other and she could feel love from him appreciating her and radiating his presence.

Then came a gaseous starcloud of great tumult.  The kind of raw, powerful energies and proto information which can cause stellar drunkenness in these bodies.

So in her fascination and confusion she consumed and her innermost desires manifested.  She invited him, “Come into this space.  Let’s mix…”

He moved in and hesitated since she seemed more like she would consume him giving him great bite wounds on a level which will destroy star systems.

“Ohhh, you Old gasser…you burn with blue fires which start star birthings and cause them in multiple regions…you feel like so much more than just an Old Blue giant!”, she stargasmed and whimpered in multiple forms and spectra after an almost what seemed an infinite pause like the space and peace of darkness, he started up, “Tell me beautiful what you want and want of me…don’t hold back.”

“I want to be owned by the right Master.  A true master I can love and will bloom love for with every emanation.  Would you, will you, OWN me?” she fawned as only a blooming star femme can.

“Yes, I will own you!”  A bluish stellar plasma oozed out of him onto her and they played and played.

She slipped through an invisible black hole and seemed gone from the garden and the Old Star wondered at this…was it natural disorder in the mix or did she leave to something else?

He naturally let go however, it did not last for the taste, feel, and enjoyment of her had no parallel.  He had exchanged and loved many other great stellar entities of her nature and most of them called to him through the wormholes with reverence and appreciation coming from his reverence and appreciation of each of them.  She seemed to have some extra draw to her…something he had not experienced the similarity of for the passage of much radiance and journeying through these star pathways.

He allowed most of his multiplicity of selves to long for her. 

The assumption of ownership came and he allowed it to compel him to have her and completely own her when the reality as such only gave him ownership in the previous shared moments.

Meanwhile she had come upon some fringe gardens, wearing themselves thin in another sector and in her drive to shine and dally any and every one with her pulses and radiance she lost track of her statements and promises.

A communication came through the ethers, “I have come upon my starmate, a little white star like a fairy twinkle.  She loves me and seems very protective…”

Really she had come back to her old system where a red dwarf pulsed just enough brilliance to keep her interest.  The Old Star sensed this entity and found it of low consumptive value with little possibility of exchange.

At one point the red boy contacted the Old Star, “We need to talk about my Star girl, uh, my ex star girl…”

“There’s nothing to talk about RedBoy.  She’s told me all about you.  How you’ve fed and drained and bruised her core…”

“Yes, but you don’t know what she’s done to me!!”

His tone felt jealous and possessive and unfortunately the Old Blue took some of it personally as he felt like he had come to her aid against this perpetrator.

“If you had maturity (the RedBoy had been in some star cluster fucks beyond his control which left him distressed and hallucinating) you’d have moved on from her.  I recommend you do it now to save yourself an early implosion…”

“Oh wait, don’t shut me out.  You don’t understand…” like there might be a subplot.

 Yes, the subplot seemed in effect from day one.  She had come to the Old Star’s region to get away from RedBoy and keep him on the string.  The tension they generated for one another gave her consumptive energy and slowly drained him to his self immolative tendency.  He wanted to fade out she had disappointed him so much.  Yet the tension she created excited him and caused him to flare with pleasures.  Pleasure which feels healthy and in actuality drains him to disordered consciousness.

She again felt aware of this RedBoy communicating with the Old Star and blurted, “Don’t talk to him, he’s crazy, I hate him…”

“What does he want to tell me.  Why did he get hold of me if you have ended it with him?”

“He still has some energies I gave I want back…”

“Why they might have too much of him in them.  Since he has a sinister nature toward you, why do you want them?”

“They feel familiar and comfortable.  He has good qualities.”

“Yes my star blossom.  So why don’t you see if you can work things out and not waste my time.”

“No, I hate him.  I don’t want to stay with him.”

The Old Star would play this one out, maintaining personal security while seeing the direction of our Stellar Flower and the trail of events she deposits on the timeline.

 

 

To be continued…

 

©2016MondoHumunculero

 

B = Ball Bat Queen

harleywhore

B = Ball Bat Queen

Like a broken dream

A fantasy realized turned sour

Pissing blood

Fire hose torrents

Given unto her grift,

Wanting to trust,

Knowing the dead chicken would not

Rot off her neck in time,

Feeling taken by wretched loneliness

Really needing a dick work out,

A sweaty, passionate lengthy journey

Past the rhythm leaving her coming and coming

Spent

Brassy like fiery trumpets of REO tricycle doom

Crappy classic rock and what passed for metal

Trite crackly Sovtek tube crunch eardrums

Attempting so ardently for hip

For coolness

Like the perfect summer drink in dry ears,

Only a misgiving, only a poor feat,

All he wanted to know was did I fuck you.

Yes,

you asked me, you fucked me star eyed one – nail cakes,

Like a parking lot status fuck for elevation in what you thought 

Seemed like a fun little club

And the dismissal of importance in too many things,

Wound you up in a dire circumstance of fuck and fight

With an institutionalized Hill Billy bozo,

Like a Steely Dan gaucho or Jack of Speed

Where the drug is PTSD madness and the cure

Will be suicide brains spattered on a cheezy apartment’s wall.

No firearms were used.

©2016mhumunculero

 

harleyquinnbatfuck

I want

And so I don’t get what I want.

What I want is your love and affection.  I want you to come to me naturally and shower me with it.

I want you to grab my cock, erect it, play it, and fuck me fuck me fuck me in the morning early and at night.

I want you to come up to me and grab me and kiss me.  I want you to sleep in my bed with me and go and do things you love during the day and spend every night with me like the women I have felt loved by completely.  I want to talk with you when I am home and hear about your day and what you’ve done.

I want to turn a spell or ten with you and influence outcomes in our favor, in your favor, in my favor.

I want to kiss and lick every inch of you and eat your pussy like it’s never been done ever and in a way that is unparalleled and unforgettable.

I want to go to special places with you I know you will love and enjoy your appreciation of them.

I want to find all the ways that make you happy in only the ways I can do and I want to share your everyday joys and find the pure joy in them and you to share in mine as well.

I want to create entities with you which devour all the bad ones which float around preventing progress and eat the corporate ones too.

I want you and your company, your thoughts, your ideas, your feelings and your presence…

Nice eh?

It seemed so nice on this autumn day.  Like most things seemingly tragic or catastrophic, a great entropic moment would happen as so many had before.

So sad it felt to see so many with great opportunity in front of them cast them aside for emotional whimsy. To fabricate and exaggerate statements into lies and hurtful hate like a poison to destroy friendships.  Some friendships are stronger than deceitful and hurt based treachery.  Too many felonious behaviors come from these distortions and deletions of speech.  So much so they become value judgement generalizations which turn into the lies which attempt to destroy love.

The seeds for the compassion and kindness which nullifies the deep pain from which all these things ensue had been planted in the past by the thoughtful event planner.  Deviating the course of events before their onset had great result in the lesser determined future. 

Now, the bonds would change and there would occur nor persist fetters which hinder the growth of love and simple commitment.  Poisonous repeats of poison words would come back to curse the distorter and deletist via lack of a solution.  There would be no harm, no victim, only the responsible.  Those who repeat statements of malignment from the point of view of the black mirror, ignoring the white mirror assessment would find themselves burned by their instigations and prevarications…

The defenses would not be needed, nor would the attacks succeed.  The hypersensitivities would show themselves as insecurity and narcissism.  All attempts to divide would dissipate into more loyalty.

HE KNEW…

 

When she walked up to him and said, “I am glad you’re here!” He knew.

When she danced in front of the stage where he played his ass off she knew he watched her.

When she kissed him and looked into his eyes the first time, He knew.

She got drunk and asked him to make drinks in a certain way and drank and poured them on herself, telling him she wanted to be owned by him-he knew then.

She said, “I am your lover, your partner, your friend, I want you to be all those things…I love you and I know you love me…” He knew.

When they fought and he held his mud when it was about his perseverance and his boundaries and she loved despite the obvious difference, he knew.

When she came to him after great difficulties, knowing he would be there and showing it-he knew.

Many things came to the surface in their interactions. It seemed like a struggle, and really it seemed more about gaining familiarity. She asked and wondered how he could know his feelings so soon it made her suspicious of him because other less mature males had professed undying love and gone down the crazy road with her, causing torment and hovering like flies over a carcass. So when he fought inside himself not to pass it up and take on others for the sake of sex, he knew. He knew because the domain he created needed her as the Empress and inspiration. She wanted to mellow herself and gain impetus to succeed and she slowed because it felt like too much too soon. After twenty years and eighteen years with the August women, starting similarly and lasting long, he knew this one had a greater fit and more intensity and certainly great heaping portions of magical sensitivity and creative verve. She took nonsense and made magical sense of it with result and forward occurrences. She had to think because he would fight off and figuratively slay her suitors like Ulysses returned home and stringing the bow. Oh they were many, like the many women who came to him and sought his company and love. So large were their hearts and full of those they loved yet expansive for this love they would experience with one another.

So with both of them their health and well-being like most with great magical export, experienced their personal trials. He exorcised her more than once, eating her demons like grilled meat and she in the offering fucked him to greater power and illuminations. He found and expanded his love through sex and orgasm-hers and his, sometimes mutual. He opened the doors of secret darkness in the female aspect, rarely experienced by a man or a woman.

In this darkness he found her accumulated synthesis of thought forms, some with great malevolence; others with power grids of energy upcharge. Her monsters came to kill him and became food of the sort that magicians take in an evocation course.

His enchantments came to the helping of others and the extirpation of parasites.

Each time she would leave from frustrations with him, she would return to profess her love…

to be continued…

©2015MHumunculero

waited

waited

waited/weighted

life feels better sometimes
her eyes say
her eyes stay hidden with the I love yous
tortured by her mind
bewildered
the trust long gone
LONG forgotten,
She always remembers me,
thinks of me
wishes me there…

showing up,
turning around,
seeing me here
always
vestibule home for this face,
passions deep into her stations
again and again and again,
she looks behind her asking
where
turning around
I am here,
smiling, she knows she loves me
tells me in another place

We’re partnered apart these long years…

©2015mhumunculero