In my college years I aimed my curriculum at Veterinary Medicine. I pursued what my parents wanted for me. I didn’t chase my dreams – writing, art and photography. I had an education trust. School (ASU) was cheap like $160.00 /semester and books. However, I had to live so the trust gave me a nice little stipend and I went to school for six and a half years including graduate school. It was a complete paradigm flip from art to science and I did it and loved a lot of the knowledge and direct laboratory experience. My inheritance bought me a new, in 1972, Datsun 240Z for transport and I drove the piss out of it for eleven years. I drove ninety on the freeway everywhere. We had KDKB, the cutting edge underground station and KJZZ and I had a cassette player in there so I was tuned. I still aspired to be the best front man Phoenix turned out ever and didn’t even own a microphone. Deep inside me I had what I believed was unresolvable emotional pain so relationships with friends and women were tough.
I craved the deepest connection with a woman and yet when awesome women presented themselves I would have great sex with them and distance the next day. During a two year period, four women proposed to me. They were all highly valuable people with excellent integrity and made something of their lives inside and out. I kept myself from getting what I dreamed of having because of a weird, depressive self-hate. I used inordinate amounts of chemicals, hoping they’d make me feel better and my whole emotionality seemed like a gloomy toilet full of misgivings which didn’t flush. Every so often I would meet some woman who totally cleaned my clock and I somehow doomed myself out of her. Some of these women I am still friends with today. I love them with the intensity of any partner and have no desire to fetter them to me. It’s very fulfilling to have love with no possessiveness and unconditional friendship which could easily be sexual again and has been upon occasion. I have fully realized long ago how we live and die alone and it’s natural even though there is this connectedness we all feel. No persons, regardless of their physical connections will stay joined. It’s all ephemeral gone like life goes – a moment at a time.
It has taken years of work on myself, experiential, writing and answering self help, self esteem questions. Also, a great deal of interactive work with others in self development trainings and best of all NLP training, workshops, and clinical. Today, I am opened fully, sometimes it seems too fully, expecting better out of those who do worse. In retrospect, it’s all paid off, one way or another.
Many times when I am having very connected sex with a woman I have a profound sense of joy similar to our emotional and intellectual connections we experience privately and socially. These, to me, posit as my most favorite experiences. They are unparalleled journeys into sustained bliss. I feel her giving to me with her affections and I surrender fully to them in very receptive ways, allowing myself to fully appreciate the giving and the pleasures I experience. I give to her in such a way and she responds deeply, passionately and in her sustained orgasming. The appreciation I have for her in these ways gives me great fulfillment in the creating of pleasure – part of my life’s purpose.
To you whom we have the pleasures of enjoyment now, before and sooner rather than later, I salute you and what you do and what we will give to each other sustained in the eternity of the moments making this life.